London’s new royal baby

Hurrah, Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana Windsor’s a girl! I knew that of course. I know the gender and species of every royal baby and future King and Queen of England for the next 10,000 years.

Our lovely little bundle of regal adorableness is currently fourth in line to the throne and won’t see her royal bottom sat upon it for some time yet. Although did you know that it hasn’t been terribly uncommon in history for Kings and Queens of England to be crowned a bit… prematurely, shall we say?

I thought we’d take a trip to the past in my trusty time tour bus, as we usually do, to meet some of them. Are you recovered from that party in Mayfair? Good, sit down and buckle up then. Don’t worry; I’ve cleaned the seats.

Three, two, one…


We’re here! I’m feeling a little woozy. Allow me to catch my breath. Ahh, shhhh… We’re in the royal nursery. Let’s tiptoe over here… Do you see? Yes. That’s Mary Queen of Scots. No, not the woman sleeping next to the cot, the baby inside it! I doubt we’ll have much of a thrilling conversation with this particular monarch as she’s only six days old and just been crowned the Queen of Scotland. It runs in the family though you see – Mary’s father, James, was 17 months old when he was made King and she was forced to give up the crown to her son when she was 25 and he only 13 months!

Oh look, she’s blowing a raspberry. Awww. Wait, what’s that smell? Eugh. Oh, the nursery maid’s waking up! Let’s skedaddle.


Phew, that was a close encounter. I can’t get that smell out of my nose, can you? In any case it’s better than the smell of the 1420’s, where we are now. Henry VI has just become king of England at the tender age of eight months and two months later, he was also crowned the King of France! A bit greedy, some might say, but he’s barely a year old so we’ll forgive him. Joan of Arc came and took France back from him anyway so he didn’t keep that title for long. Let’s see what he has to say for himself. Coochie-coo. Coochie-coo. Who’s a bloodthirsty monarch eh? You are. You are! Oh, he’s saying something. What’s that? Ooo? Oooo? Off with their heads? Crikey, that guard’ coming with a very sharp axe. Run!


Wow, they learn early don’t they? Well, our poor Henry actually went insane later in life and then ended up on the losing side of the infamous War of the Roses. Whoops. Well, serves him right for being a bloodthirsty little blighter, doesn’t it?

That’s enough mini-monarchs for this century I think. You’d best hope our Princess Charlotte doesn’t develop a fascination with headless subjects. I won’t ruin the surprise for you.

Until the next trip, time-travellers! Toodle pip.